Black Wave - The Shins

oh, y’all. i think almost every day about writing here, and then i have all this other crap come up, and, well, here we are. it’s hard to work all week and deal with mundane shit at home like laundry and dishes and dinner and cleaning and DAMN, i’m tired. i mean, who of us isn’t tired? jebus, it’s insane. and, like all of you, i heard all that crap about how tired we’d be when we became parents, but who REALLY listens to people who say that? yeah, not us. or not me, at least. i’m pretty sure dave listened, because he always does.

so…i need to write about eliot. because he’s freaking awesome. unfortunately, true to the whole second child deal, i’m going to put that post on the backburner and talk about me. well, this IS a blog, and isn’t the whole point to make people listen to me drone on and on about MYSELF? probably not. too bad, suckas. you’re stuck reading this now.

where to begin? the last few months have been hard. wait, let me restate. 2011 has been a big pile of suck, and i would like to kick it in the crotch. due to all the shit with ems and school and asperger’s and autism spectrum and weirdness, i spent a great deal of 2011 year-to-date crying. i mean, a lot of crying here. trust me, i know that everyone has their shit to deal with, and i’m just venting at you guys. i guess i just want to explain to the few of you who read this why i have been absent lately. absent from blogging, from facebook, from email, from phone calls, from get-togethers, from shindigs, and any other form of social interaction i can think of. i’ve been a total incommunicado asshole. why would i call anyone if all i’m going to do is cry at them? why would i post shit on facebook when all i’m thinking about is how fucking sad i am?

plus, em just keeps getting weirder. and this means that his behaviors can get more difficult/annoying/infuriating. this boy is one of the brightest lights in my life, but sometimes, i just feel like i have no idea what the universe was thinking when it decided i should be his mother. i don't have a goddamn idea what i'm doing most of the time. i feel so stupid and small in the face of his challenges which, by extension, are my challenges, too. there are days when i have no idea what he needs or how to give it to him. on those days, he probably feels the same way. i have just put him to bed and cried. or cried all the way to work.

and then, one day, it hit me. like the proverbial ton of bricks, it hit me. NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT CRY THIS MUCH. and normal people don’t feel so freaking sad all the time. and gee, when was the last time i felt like myself? i honestly couldn’t remember.

so, with sweaty palms, i dialed a shrink. i don’t know what took me so long, considering that this is my brother’s chosen profession. i guess i didn't want to admit to anyone that i couldn't handle things. and that i wasn't strong and fine and super. but i wasn't. i spent an hour or so with her, and she declared that i was depressed, and had been for some time. and you know what? she was right. i realized it, and i hate to admit it. my family didn't know. my closest friends didn't know. hey, i'm an actor. i acted ok.

so i'm on drugs now. i fucking hate it. i didn't want to be on drugs. i didn't want to admit that i was weak. but i think that by telling you guys, it helps me own it. perhaps i'm stronger now that i've admitted it. whatever. all i know is that i'm starting to feel like myself again. i'm less tired all the time and more engaged. or something. the second i filled that prescription, it was as if i got better all of a sudden. as if, just by knowing that i'd feel better, i started to feel better. does that make sense?

there's no shame in this - none at all. i did this for me, yes. but i did it for dave. and i did it for these boys. and for my friends. and my family. i did it for everyone.



i'm terrified to post this. my palms are sweaty now. i pressed post and put a future time on it to give me time to take it down. will i? fuck. i don't know.