I Know There's An Answer - The Beach Boys

so. school. here’s the thing. back in the summer, we knew we’d have to move emerson from his sitter’s, but WHERE? see, she wasn’t going to keep kids on full-time basis any more, and we had no idea where he could go. i mean, what the fuck do you do with a three-year-old who reads voraciously but won’t qualify for kindergarten until he’s nearly six? we kicked it around for a while. he obviously couldn’t go to daycare. i mean, daycare’s equipped for typical kids. our kid? not so typical. we checked into some schools, and settled on a montessori school near where we work. their website was the first lure. they talk about “integrating students of diverse backgrounds” and allowing “children to learn independently in an environment specially prepared by the teacher to respond to individual needs and tendencies” and having “respect for individual characteristics” and all that happy bullshit. we totally bought it. it sounded so freaking GOOD.

at the first parents’ meeting, i was 8 months pregnant. as the meeting wore on, i started feeling more and more panicky. i couldn’t put my finger on why, but i was feeling so overwhelmed. there was SO MUCH to absorb, particularly all of the little rules for us. no rainboots. no clothing or lunchboxes with animated characters from tv or movies. dress child only in clothing he can put on by himself. label every item just so. only pack healthy lunch items. get a backpack, but it has to be this particular size. remember, no animated characters. oh, and here are some guidelines about organic gardening at home. and how you child needs x hours of sleep per night. and here’s some parenting information. and on and on AND ON.

i wrote dave a note halfway through the meeting that said, “i am totally overwhelmed.” he nodded and agreed, but i chalked a lot of my panic up to hormones. i called my mother on the drive home and cried about what terrible parents we were because our child doesn’t like to eat raw veggies for lunch and how he has seen TELEVISION and how we don’t have an organic garden in our yard and on and on AND ON.

and you know what? my gut reaction had nothing to do with hormones. i was straight up right about that place. it was exactly what i feared, and it took us seven months to figure it out. it’s hard to sum up seven months, but here’s the gist of it. i got emails from his teacher, which detailed tantrums, accidents, and just generally odd behavior. we chalked it up to adjustment issues, and left it at that. however, these things continued, and we started to get concerned. the whole time, the school seemed helpful and patient. we made appointments (side note: if you have a kid with ISSUES and those ISSUES may be AUTISM-RELATED, prepare to wait almost SIX MONTHS for an appointment with a reputable doctor. JEBUS.) and tried to talk to him and work with him and get a diagnosis and holy shit, we tried.

finally, the DAY AFTER we were told that it was asperger’s, the school basically said (not in these words) GET HIM OUT. i cried and tried to reason with them, saying that we couldn’t see progress if he left and we didn’t know where else he could go at this point and just give us some time. they agreed to do it, but they then basically forced us to move him to ½ days. they gave us very little time to make this change, so i had to freak out and find a nanny, do background checks, et-fucking-cetera. asked if he could please at least be picked up after time on the playground so he could have a little fun, was told NO. yet still, we persisted. after all, every time we picked him up, he told us what a good day he’d had.

we started him in occupational therapy and sought a psychologist. we found a nanny who is amazing. we looked to alternate therapies and attempted to get a second opinion. and after the psychologist observed him at school for 2 hours, she read her notes to us. i could have been knocked over with a feather – i did not recognize the description of my own son. the way he was acting and interacting at school was NOTHING like what he was doing at home or with us and his friends outside of school. i was SHOCKED. he was sitting under tables and performing any number of nervous mannerisms, strange sounds while he walked in circles around the room. he couldn’t choose anything to do, and actually preferred to wander around while humming to himself. who was this child?

the final straw was last sunday night, two days after our visit with the shrink, when i asked him how he felt about going to school the next day. he told me that school made him nervous and that he didn’t want to go. after all the times he told us that he loved it and had such a good time, i guess he figured that we were ready to really listen to him this time. we talked more, and it was so clear to me that he just couldn’t deal with it. i called the school the next morning and said that he wouldn’t be back. we couldn’t do anything about the school not wanting to accommodate him or try to help him or work with him. they’re a 100% private school and take no federal funds, so no iep or 504 plan could be mandated. all of this was cloaked in nicey-nice language, like “we just don’t think it’s the right environment for him” BLAH-DE-BLAH. they COULD have tried, but didn’t feel like it.

i have heard lots of parents who have aspie kids say that montessori was perfect for their kids, since they focus on the individual, so i’m sure there’s a montessori school out there that might be ok. but this one? rigid, inflexible, and intolerant. they allowed him to be ostracized. they allowed him to feel stressed out. they didn’t tell us all of the problems he was having – we had to send a shrink in to see it with her own eyes. i TRIED to see it, but he acted ok when i was there. i guess my being there made him feel comfy and act calmer.

we’re really lucky that dave’s employer has flexible hours, and that we have the most amazing nanny in the world. we’re really lucky that emerson decided to tell us how he was feeling. we’re really lucky to have found a psychologist who wants to observe and talk to him for longer than an hour or two to be sure he’s diagnosed correctly. we’re really lucky that he functions as well as he does. all in all, life is pretty good.

he'll start a new school in the fall. one that's used to kids with issues, but not one specifically for kids who are special. one that focuses on PLAY. one that has chickens in the yard. one that seems to get him. in the meantime, he's just having fun. he has t-ball and reads and runs around pretending to be a mako shark and makes his brother laugh. and that's what a four-year-old kid should be doing: having fun. asperger's or not. FUN.