birth, part two.

so, dave got home. and then his parents got to the house. but i was WAY happier about dave getting home so i could stop making goddamn play-doh dinosaurs. that shit is hard enough when there's NOT a baby thinking that now is a good time to make an entrance. i paced around and took a shower and called the doctor and the doula and tried to finish packing the bag.

after a while, you sort of don’t really care what the fuck is in the bag, you know? seems important at the time that you have your shit together, but when you’re in the middle of labor, the stupid hospital bag loses all sense of importance. i remember standing in the middle of our bedroom, staring at the bag, thinking, “body wash? deodorant? who fucking cares?” the one thing i DID care about was the ipod, and it was too late for the labor playlist that i had been thinking about. all i could do was throw it in the bag and hope that this baby wouldn’t be born while the strains of helmet or some other crap graced our ears. ems was born while busting up a starbucks was playing which, while awesome, wasn’t exactly what we had in mind to be the first thing our baby heard. so far, no starbucks riots. keep your fingers crossed.

dave’s parents finally got there, and after giving them emerson and his bag, we set off for the hospital. poor emerson. he didn’t want to go with them AT ALL. he just wanted to be with us, which was sort of heartbreaking. here was the last time i’d see him as an only child, and i had to tell him NO, you can’t come with us. SUCKED. he cried and hugged me a lot, but finally agreed to go with his nana and papa. i think they promised him dinosaur train and ice cream.

on the drive, i remember every freaking bump in the road, and once, dave braked really hard. i told him that if he did it again, i’d throw him out of the car and drive myself there. it was after this exchange that i started to feel like the total labor stereotype. it hurt and i was cranky, but isn’t that how everyone feels? i started to lose sight of my earlier visions of serene, calm birth. THAT SHIT HURT.

we got to the hospital right after 8:00, and dave was about to pull in the parking deck. this may have been the ONE time in history that i begged him to use valet parking. i’ve run 17 miles in a row but couldn’t even begin to think about walking a few hundred yards from the parking deck. FUCK THAT. made it in and got to a room. it seemed so disorganized at the time. they wanted to check my vitals and the baby’s, and it seemed to take forever until they finally took the monitor crap off me. i paced around for a while, but you may recall me telling you that my ankles were swollen beyond recognition. they were so bad by this point that i could barely walk. i got in the shower and hung out with dave and the doula. she had candles with her and i put on fleet foxes, which was actually pretty nice.

i remember making a lot of noise and being fairly unapologetic about it. if you know me at all, you know that this is not my m.o. i am pretty apologetic about EVERYTHING. that went out the freaking window. in fact, at one point, the doctor came in the room because he’d heard me from out in the hallway, and i (of course) didn't say anything. in my head, though, i was all, AND? who fucking cares. make the walls thicker or something if nobody wants to hear pregnant women in pain while they’re IN LABOR. jebus.

and...nothing happened, except for me being in pain. i had all these grand, brave ideas about giving birth naturally, but that shit? hurts. a lot. also, i couldn't even stand up, since my feet, legs, and ankles were so swollen. i originally wanted to try standing, squatting, and all that, but all i could do was lie there and whimper. the doctor, who is awesome, came to check me out, and it seemed that the baby was positioned on the bag of waters (which sounds SOOOOO GROSS, so sorry about that) and that my water wasn't going to break with him sitting there. did i want them to break it for me? i hemmed and hawed about it (it's not natural. NAAAATURALLLL. NAAATTTUUUUURRRRAAAAALLLL.), and decided to go ahead and do it.

wouldntcha know, that was all it took for the baby to be ready to get the hell outta there. and then, THEN? i was all - epidural, please. i want the epidural. i can't do this, i want the drugs. gimme the drugs. oh, gawd, please don't make me do this JUST GIVE ME DRUGS PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEE. and they were all - yeah, not gonna happen. tough shit, this is what you wanted to do. side note: have you seen knocked up? it's like they took that conversation directly out of my room. i am guessing that this conversation must happen with a whole fuckload of women in the delivery room, and they're all YOU WANTED NATURAL CHILDBIRTH? BWAHAHAHAHA, YOU GOT IT!

so that was it. it really felt like i was being ripped in half, doused in gasoline, set on fire, stabbed, shot, and beaten, but i pushed that kid out with 4 good pushes, about 3 hours after we'd gotten to the hospital. it was kind of awesome that i was only in active labor for a pretty short period of time.


and i got to hold the baby immediately, and nurse him and kiss him and love on him. dave was so amazing the whole time, and i was so proud of us. the baby was so healthy and big and fat and wonderful.

now. a lot of the natural childbirth folks would like you to think that, while they were giving birth, sunshine and roses and glitter and unicorns came bursting into the room, but let me dispel that myth. BULLSHIT. i actually saw someone say on facebook that they remembered their natural delivery as fun. FUN. FUN? HARDLY. i mean, i'm really proud of myself that i did it. really proud. but let's not kid ourselves. 2nd degree tearing? not what i'd call a party, really. 10+ pound baby? all the 'natural childbirth is fun' people can kiss my giant ass.

but i've thought and thought about it. i've done it both ways. and, in the end, you get the baby. i don't think it really matters if you hurt like hell or didn't feel it because you had drugs or if you had to get a c-section or adopted a child. in the end, you have a beautiful, sweet-smelling, amazing new little person in your arms. your whole life changes no matter how that child came into the world.

world, meet eliot. he's freaking amazing.