oh, i have been feeling it. i do feel it. what? angela, you're right on. tired. that's what i feel. i've been sleeping a lot, and still need buckets of concealer for the dark circles.
wanna know what else i've been feeling? let me illustrate with a fantastic story from this morning. ready? awesome.
i can’t tell you how badly i wanted to quit my job today. not because of anything specific that happened at work, though. and i don't even plan to get into all of that. it all started as i was leaving the house. emerson woke up as i was walking out the door, and told me that i needed to put my jammies back on and get in bed with him. here is how the conversation went:
emerson: mama, don’t go to work. go put your jammies on so that we can snuggle in the bed.
mama: buddy, i wish i could. but i have to go to work. we can play tonight when i pick you up.
emerson: i don’t want to play tonight. i want to play now. why can’t you stay here? why?
mama: i have to work because we have to pay for food and the house and everything.
emerson: but i want you to stay here today.
mama: i do, too. i don’t want to go to work. i want to stay here with you, but i have to go. daddy’s still here, though! yay! you and daddy can play for a while!
emerson: i don’t want daddy. i want you. i want you to STAAAAAAAYYYYYY. throws self dramatically onto the bed and cries. a lot.
mama: i’m sorry. i’m so sorry, sweet pea. you’re going to have a good time with daddy – i bet he’ll make you pancakes shaped like dinosaurs and you guys can color or something.
emerson: i don’t want to! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! looks up with tears in his eyes.
mama, silently: holy shit, kid. stopitstopitstopit. begins to get tears in her own eyes.
emerson: pleeeeeeeaaaaasssseeee stay here. please.
mama: buddy, i love you so much, and i don't want to go, either. but i have to. please come give me a hug and a kiss.
emerson: no. i don't want to. i'm not going to give you a hug.
mama's heart breaks, audibly. she is on the verge of a total meltdown akin to the child's.
mama, holding it in: ok, turkey. i love you. opens door.
the child runs to his mama, and gives her a hug and kiss. the door closes. mama can her the child crying behind the door, and begins to cry as well. she cries all the way to work, where her mascara must be reapplied. she, unsurprisingly, has a shitty day.
so there it is. as if i don't have enough guilt about working, there's that. and the more you read online, the more you notice that so many people out there think that homes with two working parents are selfish and horrible and scarring their children for life, which is AWESOME reading for an already guilt-stricken mother like me. oh, gawd, how i wish i could stay at home with my boy. or even work part-time. but facts are facts: this country makes it hard for that to happen.
my mother was a teacher when i was em's age, and i went to a sitter's during the day. honestly, i can't remember shit about it and don't really feel that i am a better or worse person for it. but there is still that guilt. that horrible, gut-wrenching guilt that i'm missing out on things he does or says during the day, and that he's wishing i could play with him more. i know in my heart that he will be ok, but it's still so, so hard.
and now that he'll have a sibling, i feel even more guilty about having time with him, so that's fun. i'll expound on that more later, right after i watch some more snowboarding.
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3 comments:
Aw man, that just sucks! And ya know what? There is just no easy or clear answer to it, right? I mean, sure...we could all move into tents and live off of bugs, worms and learn to weave our own underwear out of corn silk and bermuda grass...but probably not, no? I feel like you can only do the best that you can do, and like you said, you'll play with him when you get home and he'll love you and hug you and have a swell ol' time with lots of kisses. My mom worked most of my childhood as well, and I don't remember feeling one way or another about it. I'd say it's quality over quantity any day, as with most things! Hope you're feeling well!
It's TOTALLY quality over quantity!! And not that he doesn't love and ADORE his mom to the moon and back, but I think it's partly the age. I'm with Maggie all day long, and I expect her to shove me out the door and lock it at the chance to spend nights with her Daddy. Almost word for word the same reaction, though. Big croc. tears and the PLEEEEAAAASE stay with me. And I feel the same guilt which BOGGLES my mind since some days of stay at home-ness I want to leave her by the yogurt at Harris Teeter!! It's so hard when they pull that crap, and I'm not completely convinced Yo gabba gabba isn't teaching them how to manipulate their guilt ridden moms. You're a great mom, and you are giving him a great example of what a true supermom is: going to work full time and STILL having a boy who is a gazillion times cooler and smarter than the average kid all b/c you spend quality time together and investing in him!! And just think what a great example you'll set if you happen to have a girl!! She'll be a superwoman thanks to the example you set for her!! And, DUDE, SUSAN was a stay at home mom. 'Nuff said about quantity vs. quality with that sentence!!
I'm with Allison, its the age. Roan won't let Finn near him right now, down to "mommy must wipe my butt". yep, thanks kid. He screams when I drop him at preschool, Finn takes him and he's happily waving goodbye. And, just to mess with my head, when I'm home he asks for Finn. Cause I do boring work and have to ignore him for conference calls and email and daddy plays with him. So there's more guilt about being here, but not being here. And all those daycare articles are not referring to the kind of parenting you engage in. And I've read them all, as my oh so helpful mother sent them when I was first coming to terms with working when Emm was tiny. Did Dave tell you how long he spent crying? bet he was off playing with dinosaurs in mere moments. If only it was so easy for us to switch gears.
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